Oh man! My heart is on emotional overdrive today and I’m sorting through all kinds of observations about where my life is now. The last 6 months have been so very formative, life-altering, and filled with more ups and downs than I ever expected. The journey to motherhood was challenging and so much a precursor for everyday following. Lately I’ve focused so hard on trying to find what I want and who I want to be, when I think it just hit me. I’m me. Right now, I’m me and I’m missing it.
I’ve tried so hard over the years to define this space and make it fit into some category. Am I a DIY blogger, am I a design blogger, am I a lifestyle blogger…and then I thought… am I a mommy blogger now too? Truth be told, I am all of those things. I think today is the first time I actually thought, ‘I’m cheating myself out of my own blog.’ I’m in fact writing (and not writing) what I want to document for the intense purposes of gaining readers and followers, and even with the hope of gaining more freelance clients. (Whoa. I can’t believe that I actually admitted that!) Well, after 5 years of blogging and not really succeeding in any of those efforts, I’m done. I’m done hanging onto the fact that my stats make me feel like my content isn’t worth anything. I’m done comparing myself to other people on the internet and I’m done invalidating my experience. The truth is this last month has revealed so much and I don’t think that I actually want what I thought I wanted all along. I’ve been struggling with jealousy for a while now and out of an effort to kick those thoughts, I’ve been trying to focus on positive affirmation of my own life and my own experience. I think that today is the first day I actually believe what I’ve been attempting to convince myself all along. I’m done with inauthenticity and done with cultivating this space for anyone but me.
As for now, I’ve decided whole-heartedly that I won’t be monetizing this blog. If opportunities come along in the future organically then I’ll reconsider, but as for now I’m going to stop thinking about it. I’m going to stop obsessing over it and I’m going to stop letting it define the success of this space.
Marketing is my profession and I truly love it, but I’m finding that I need some separation. I need some space between what I do and who I am.
So… here is my new manifesto and blog purpose.
My name is Sara and this is my life. This space is where I document my journey. My journey of creative projects, my journey of thoughts and observations, my journey in motherhood; my entire journey. I’d love to have you along for the ride, but if you want to get off, cool. To all the thousands of people who will never read this journey or pin my pictures, cool.
You know who will read my journey some day? My son. I’d like to think that he will have an authentic view into these special times. I’d like to think that he could someday hear my voice in the future; hear my heart, know my struggles and successes alike.