The last few months have been a roller coaster of tough and not as tough. I’ve been really trying my best to find the balance of it all, but most days I feel like I’m failing to keep it all together. I’ve never worked this many hours and I’ve never had this level of professional responsibility before. I’m still adjusting to my newish role at my newish job and I know that I’m getting better and better as the days pass, but sometimes it feels as if I should be there already. At this rate of adjustment, it feels like it will take me forever to be able to manage all I need to keep track of, think about, accomplish, and oversee in both my home life and my professional life. There are needs at both ends.
So, most weeks my schedule is so packed with work hours that by the time I pick up Harvey from day care, he’s tired, hungry and a hot mess. It’s hard to feel like I only see him at the end of the day when he’s hard to handle and my own energy is almost depleted. However, I can usually get him home in enough time to feed him some dinner, get him a bath, sneak in a minute or two of snuggle or play time (never both) and put him to bed. The coveted after bed hours are usually spent feeding myself and my husband, making an attempt to clean up (ha) getting in another few emails I didn’t get to, and crashing out with my glasses on and my computer burning my lap because I’ve never been so exhausted in my life.
So, when I finally get to the weekend I feel like I need that time to prep for the week ahead. There is grocery shopping to do, meal prep to complete, laundry, and maybe some cleaning. The trouble is that I spend my whole weekend prepping for the week to come. I’m either in the thick of the crazy or I’m doing everything I can to make the crazy to come a bit less crazy. Isn’t that crazy?
This weekend, I wanted something different for myself. I’m no darling of work/life balance and more often than not, my life feels like I’m drowning and I can’t tell which way is the sky and which way is the ocean floor, but this weekend… I tried to put it all aside and get out. This weekend I wanted to have as mine. This weekend, we went to the park… twice.
We played on the swings, we went down the slide so many times I lost count, we played in the sand, and we ran through the grass. I just needed to see this baby of mine happy and laughing and playing. I just needed to get out of my house and let the laundry sit right where it was. I just needed to enjoy some time in the breeze of this early spring. I needed to soak in the moments and let them take up a home in my memory. I just needed to sit still.
I’m working on finding the balance and quieting the voices that say I have to do everything all at once and perfectly. I’m working on it. I know I still have a long way to go, but this was a small step in the right direction. The laundry will get put away tomorrow. Maybe.